I had some dreams ... they were klowns in my koffee.

(With apologies to Carly Simon)

This is my journey through job transition from a toxic environment to a better life. Join me for a few thoughts and a few laughs along the way.
What are "klowns in my koffee"? They are the factors large and small that make you less than you are. A "klown" can be a grossly incompetent boss,
a short-sighted policy or a moronic coworker. They won't kill you, at least not immediately, but they abrade the soul
as you scrape past them to get through the day. Sometimes it's best to dump them out of the cup.


Day 33 - Resume Kautions

I completed the final draft of my resume on Friday and had it reviewed over the weekend. After a couple of final tweaks, I posted it on LinkedIn on Monday and did a happy little dance.

The first draft had bounced because I lacked sufficient "resume power verbs." They sent me this list of suggestions:

Accelerated, accomplished, achieved, addressed, administered, advised, allocated, answered, appeared, applied, appointed, appraised, approved, arranged, assessed, assigned, assisted, assumed, assured, audited, awarded, bought, briefed, broadened, brought, budgeted, built, cataloged, caused, changed, chaired, clarified, classified, closed, collected, combined, commented, communicated, compared, compiled, completed, computed, conceived, concluded, conducted, conceptualized, considered, consolidated, constructed, consulted, continued, contracted, controlled, converted, coordinated, corrected, counseled, counted, created, critiqued, cut, dealt, decided, defined, delegated, delivered, demonstrated, described, designed, determined, developed, devised, diagnosed, directed, discussed, distributed, documented, doubled, drafted, earned, edited, effected, eliminated, endorsed, enlarged, enlisted, ensured, entered, established, estimated, evaluated, examined, executed, expanded, expedited, experienced, experimented, explained, explored, expressed, extended, filed, filled, financed, focused, forecast, formulated, found, founded, gathered, generated, graded, granted, guided, halved, handled, helped, identified, implemented, improved, incorporated, increased, indexed, initiated, influenced, innovated, inspected, installed, instituted, instructed, insured, interpreted, interviewed, introduced, invented, invested, investigated, involved, issued, joined, kept, launched, learned, leased, lectured, led, licensed, listed, logged, made, maintained, managed, matched, measured, mediated, met, modified, monitored, motivated, moved, named, navigated, negotiated, observed, opened, operated, ordered, organized, oversaw, participated, perceived, performed, persuaded, planned, prepared, presented, processed, procured, programmed, prohibited, projected, promoted, proposed, provided, published, purchased, pursued, qualified, questioned, raised, ranked, rated, realized, received, recommended, reconciled, recorded, recruited, redesigned, reduced, regulated, rehabilitated, related, reorganized, repaired, replaced, replied, reported, represented, researched, resolved, responded, restored, revamped, reviewed, revise, saved, scheduled, selected, served, serviced, set, set up, shaped, shared, showed, simplified, sold, solved, sorted, sought, sparked, specified, spoke, staffed, started, streamlined, strengthened, stressed, stretched, structured, studied, submitted, substituted, succeeded, suggested, summarized, superseded, supervised, surveyed, systematized, tackled, targeted, taught, terminated, tested, took, toured, traced, tracked, traded, trained, transferred, transcribed, transformed, translated, transported, traveled, treated, trimmed, tripled, turned, tutored, umpired, uncovered, understood, understudied, unified, unraveled, updated, upgraded, used, utilized, verbalized, verified, visited, waged, weighed, widened, won, worked, wrote.

There are a few here that I don't imagine get a whole lot of use -- "waged"? "umpired"?

This is a pretty long list.

Maybe they would be better off telling people what words to avoid. Here are some words that should raise a red flag with the most obtuse HR person:

abused, ambushed, assassinated, assaulted, astrally projected, bankrupted, bastardized, beamed down, blackmailed, bribed, browbeat, bungled, burgled, channelled, colluded, connived, contaminated, corrupted, counterfeited, crashed, "creatively acquired", crippled, decapitated, deflowered, deforested, defrauded, destabilized, destroyed, devalued, devastated, fleeced, embezzled, endangered, enraged, fellated, finagled, harassed, haunted, hijacked, incited, infected, infested, interfered, insinuated, kidnapped, kissed, licked, libeled, loathed, maimed, maligned, malingered, misappropriated, molested, murdered, overdosed, peeped, pimped, pirated, plagiarized, poisoned, polluted, prophesied, propositioned, prostituted, ridiculed, rioted, robbed, screwed (except in the hardware sense), skirted, slandered, smuggled, snatched, snitched, snorted, spoke in tongues, stabbed, stole, strangled, swindled, tattled, teleported, terrorized, traveled through time, vacillated, victimized, violated, vomited, wasted, whored

Why hasn't someone invented the Madlib resume?

Please comment on a word that you can't envision appearing on even the most twisted resume. No points for obscenities because that's just TOO easy.


Corsair, The Mostly Harmless said...

"insidiate, exsanguinate, defenestrate."

Oddly, you could make a pretty effective mission statement with those words..

Burning Khrome said...

Ooh! These are delightful in an "Addams Family" kind of way. When I studied German and learned that "fenster" was "window," the oddly ornamental word "defenestrate" made sense. As Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory said, "The Germans have always been a comforting people."

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